relearning

Here we go. If you don't know me - you will know a bit about me soon...

I have forgiven them - those people of my past - and myself but...yes there is a but...but forgiveness and forgetting does not erase what I have learned life to be.

My worldly life began at 13 and ended at 39.

When things happen over and over again and you don't have a protector figure who puts their arms around you and tells you it's ok and that you are loved, then you rely on whomever you come across to get your comfort from and in my case some of them ended up being abusive, hate filled, bitter people. Those situations molded me.

At 39ish - I had enough - people were not making me happy and were not showing me the protection, the nurturing and the love that I felt I needed. I didn't know who God was and I discovered that I wanted to live for Him - No one told me to do that - He guided me to do that and when that happened - I had to begin the process of relearning everything I previously had learned. How to respond to people correctly. How to communicate the right way. How to live the way God intended me to live. Years of doing something a certain way is quite hard to relearn but I am doing it with God's help.

I don't think about the past every day - I don't really think about it much at all but I know myself well - and I know that we are products of our environment. We do have our own personalities of course but those personalities can be molded and I am a mold of my past.

When something comes up and boy did things come up this week (and it's only Tuesday) I know it's time to deal with them and to heal and move on. No loving person would make someone try to deal with every issue all at once and bombard them with a bunch of negative emotional stuff and I don't think God would do that either. He brings them up here and there and allows me to pitch my hissy fits in order to figure out that I can't fix them by myself. I need Him to help me. That way each thing can get worked on as He sees fit.

When I am caught all up in it - I feel like a hypocrite. I resort to my learned behavior before turning 39ish...it's quite easy to fall into it and I sulk and I cry and I get angry.

Still, if you ask me how to have the perfect marriage - I can tell you how to do that. If you ask me how to love - I can tell you that too. If you ask me how to die to self - I can tell you that as well but...yes there's a but...I just don't know how to actually live them out.